Monday, November 29, 2010

you know it's a bad day

You know it's going to be one of "those days" when you spit your toothpaste in your own hair.

Don't ask.

It IS possible.

Good night. 

Sunday, November 28, 2010

you know you are in trouble when....

You know you are in trouble when your eight year old says "two-stroke exhaust smells sexy."

You know you are in trouble because if you added the faint odour of beer and Brut to that exhaust smell you would have the scent of her dad when I met him....

Saturday, November 27, 2010

how I know it's winter....

When I woke up this morning, I knew that it had snowed.
I knew without looking out the window, without listening to the radio, without speaking with anyone.

My first clue was the distinctive odour of a 2-stroke.
The second clue was the "yee-ha" sound from the back porch.
The third clue was the distant rumble of a motor with a tiny bit of a "baahhh" sound to it.

Then I looked out the upstairs hallway window.

I saw this:

And this,

You know what "this" is? 
It's Bravo snowmobile tracks in approximate 1 1/2 cm of snow.

And this?

This is what a perfectly manicured lawn looks like when it's crying because the sled's tracks are RIPPING IT OUT BY IT'S ROOTS!

That other sound you can hear distinctly from anywhere in my neighbourhood.
That's me.
I'm crying.
Winter's here.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

reminding myself why

Rocky very nearly met his maker - by my hand, this morning.  I had just finished cleaning the kitchen floor.  I was in the bathroom giving it a scrub, when I heard a thud.  I didn't think too much of it, figured Rocky had jumped down off a chair or something.  About 5 minutes later I walked back to the kitchen to discover That Cat had knocked over a big basket of potted plants.  There was soil everywhere -- most of it had been spread around the kitchen floor as he chased clumps of dirt and dragged plants around the floor.  While I was cleaning up the mess, That Cat inexplicably disappeared from the catastrophic area.

I tried hard to think of reasons not to kill him.  Couldn't think of a one at the time....

This afternoon I thought of one.  I took these photos to remind me that he isn't a devil all the time.  He does bring great joy to Girl.

The groovy girl tent.

You know where this is going, right?

And finally, my personal favourite....

Thursday, November 18, 2010

I'm a competitive gal

Today we had a health and safety tour of my school.  A really official, slightly scary person comes from the school board for the purpose of finding all the safety violations in my building.  In the past I have recognized that they catch things that my custodian and I miss -- ladders off their holders, fire extinguishers that need to be inspected; and we fix these right away.  But some things that are violations seem a tad silly -- like no pieces of paper may hang on any door because that's a fire hazard.  Now it seems to me somewhat unlikely that a fire would start on child's artwork hanging on a door, but I am not to argue with "the Code." 

All week I've been going over past reports and driving my custodian nuts with my demands.  Move this, hang this, latch this, file that etc. etc.  You see, my goal was to have less than one page of violations.  The average school has 2-3 pages, and big schools can have hundreds of violations. (Remember I told you many are "silly" so don't be alarmed and think your kids are in danger....) 

So today was our inspection.  And the inspector was very thorough (be comforted in that if the above statements concern you).  And.....

Da da da

We only had 3 things to write up -- I hung a fire sign in the wrong custodian room, the gym emergency plans fell down when a volley ball hit them so they were on the floor instead of on the bulletin board and we need to replace an extension cord.  Yes.  Less than one page.  That's better than any schools she's inspected so far...

I waited til the inspector left.  Then I did a crazy little happy dance (think Elaine on Seinfield).  The custodian shook his head and said "only you would turn a Health and Safety tour into a competition). 

And who cares if he thinks I'm silly.

I won.  I won.  My school won.
We're the best.  We're the best.
We rule.
We do.

Ok.  So now you recognize another of my issues....

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

stolen from an email

My friend, L, sent me a list of sentences that made me laugh.  I've picked my favourites here:

1.  I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.  Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

2.  The last thing I want to do is hurt you.  But it's still on the list.

3.  Knowledge is knowiong a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

4.  The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

5.  Why does someone believe you when you say there are 4 billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

6.  I used to be indecisive.  Now I'm not sure.

7.  Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

conversation with Cat

I had great plans to sleep in this morning.  Not an obscene sleep-in, just an 8am sleep-in.

About 7:32am Rocky jumped up on the bed, and bit my hand.  Not enough to hurt, just enough to wake me (which was his plan, I know).

So, we had to have a serious conversation.  It went like this:

Me:  Cat, you are making a big mistake biting that hand.  I am the person that feeds you every morning.  Feeds you that disgusting liver and tuna combo that you love.  I'm the one that buys that food.

Cat:  appears to be listening.  Tips head ever so slightly to the right

Me:    I have never been rough with you.  I have never picked you up by the head, swung you around, trapped you in the closet or tied a string to your tail.  I am the person who is gentle with you -- always.  I clean your litter box every day.  I make sure you have fresh water from your favourite clear glass bowl (not stainless, not Corel).  I clean the goop out of your eyes.  If you think for one minute anyone in the house would take over any of those jobs, you are sorely mistaken.  They don't even take care of themselves.

Cat:  (this is how I know he is really smart, and understands everything I say) scoots up the bed on his belly, like a commando, rests his tiny chin on my chest, puts his front paw on my hand, sighs and then starts to purr.

Me:  I'm glad we've come to this understanding, let's go get you some breakfast.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010


So yesterday I heard a news report on the radio on the way to work.  It stuck with me all day, haunted me last night and still has caused me pause today.

Apparently on the weekend a family was doing renovations in their house in Toronto.  When the father took up the toilet and floorboards in the old bathroom he found a python.  Yep, I said "python" as in big, big snake.  The snake was removed.  (I hope that is code for chopped up into tiny pieces and disposed of far, far away from the house.)  But that's not the end of the story. 

The next day the mother was doing laundry and she opened her washing machine and found ANOTHER python. 

So here's where my plan differs significantly from this family's.  I believe their plan was to remove this snake as well, and then contact some exterminators.

My plan.


Leave the house.  Take my children (I really hope I'd be that clear headed to take them with me.  I'd like to believe I'd think of their welfare....) and move away.  I wouldn't pack.  I wouldn't call an exterminator.  I wouldn't think to turn on the washing machine, or even close the lid.  I would just leave.  The snake and all his brothers and sisters infesting my walls could just have my house. 

And I certainly wouldn't be calling the media.
Hear me.  I'm not kidding.  I've thought about this for 37 1/2 hours.  I would just leave.

Just sayin'.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

better late than never

I started this Christmas stocking in November 1998, just before Boy was born. 

It is 14pt. counted cross-stitch.  The plan was that I would present it to the new baby for Christmas 1999, for his/her first Christmas.  If you know anything about a)counted cross-stitch or b) having a new baby or c) me, you would know that this was a ridiculously amibitious (read: impossible) project.

I got a good piece of the tree done when Boy was 3 months old.  He was in the hospital for a major surgery and I needed something to keep my hands busy so my heart and head wouldn't explode with fear.  When Boy came home it got put away on the one-more-thing-to-feel-guilty-about shelf. 

I pulled it out again to take to the arena when he had hockey practice.  My self-diagnosed ADHD won't let me sit and do nothing, these hands need to be busy.  I think it took me about 4 seasons to complete.  It became a bit of a joke for the other hockey moms -- "still working on your stocking, eh?" 

Well now it's finished, and I will hang it for Boy for his 12th Chirstmas. 

I have started one this season for Girl.  She asked me if she will have it before she goes to college.

It's hard to say, really.  Depends on whether or not Boy keeps playing hockey I guess.....

Saturday, November 6, 2010


Tonight we turn back the clocks for daylight savings time.

As a teenager I loved turning back the clocks.  It gave me an extra out to be out doing my teenage-things and still make my curfew.

Now, 'cause I'm an old lady,  I love it because I get to sleep for an extra hour!  I'm giddy with the thought.  Giddy, I say.

Here's the one blip in tomorrow's perfect morning....

I don't know how to change my "Time" screen saver....